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Thursday of Thanks

December 1, 2011

Right, I know it is not Thanksgiving. It feels like it though.

One reason is fellow blogger: Somkritya was gracious enough to nominate me for a Versatile Blogger Award. I cannot thank her enough for the kind consideration.

Second reason: Today is the 1st of a Month, which means Quantummuse.com is rolling out new stories!

PSSST!!!! My short story: Pretty Pink Princess Fantasy Realm Set was published! You may recall some discussions on it earlier for instance: here and here.

Third, the chance to write a new post. Since today looks to be pretty busy with both work and other things I will not be adding anything to ‘The Fall of Akui’, meaning this is my chance to put words to paper (or bits and bytes to disk.)

Fourth,  the holiday season officially kicks off for me tonight with the first holiday party of the season. There are like two parties that I attend each year and this is the one I look forward to the most.

Because things are looking so great this morning, here’s a treat at the end of the post. It is a faux commercial/PSA I wrote for my ‘Tales From Xira’ world. The tone of the world changed since it was written, but it is a short and fun piece. I hope you enjoy it!

Xira’s Official Zombie Survival Guide.

 Rumors have been circulating about zombies running amok in the Westsidah district. While the government maintains that this is merely a rumor**, it was felt that in the citizens best interest a guide should be produced. And while the zombie presence is only a falsehood this guide will allay your fears about possible encounters and give you practical tips on how to avoid and deal with zombies. Again, there are no zombies in the city of Xira, or in the Westsidah district. The number of city watch patrols has only been stepped up in response to the increased number of pickpocket activities.

 How to identify a zombie:

It is important to be able to recognize a zombie so you don’t set fire to you neighbor who just got back from a three night bender in the North Ward.

  1. Putrid breath. Sure your neighbor’s breath could stun a goat, but could it actually kill a goat? If so, then he might be a zombie.
  2. Rotting flesh? Not pale, like that accountant bloke down the hall, but literally hanging of the bone, sprouting mold and other fungi.
  3. Missing limbs and/or poorly replaced limbs. Try not to stab the war veteran in the chest just because he’s missing an arm. That would just add insult to injury. A zombie’s limbs tend to fall off during regular activities such as walking, standing, and breathing. They may attempt to reattach the limb with twine, bits of string, slug slime.
  4. Moaning, shambling about with arms outstretched, gray skin, missing patches or hair and or skin. Not to be confused with your sleep walking mother-in-law.
  5. Taste for human flesh, brains specifically.

 How to defend yourself against a zombie:

  1. Run, this works quite well since most zombies can’t muster more than a shamble.
  2. Stay away from the teeth and nails. They can spread disease, and of course they hurt when biting or clawing you.
  3. If you must engage in a fight, use fire. Zombies are very flammable and a pile of ash can’t do too much to hurt you. Waving a torch around can keep several at bay at once. Though you may want to check behind yourself occasionally.
  4. Rent a Mage, Knight, Paladin, or Vuhlkira. As if you have that kind of money.
  5. If using a torch from item #3 above, ignite the clothing then back off. Maybe toss some books of controversial content on the zombie for added fuel, and repress creative ideas at the same time. Double Bonus!
  6. Use an enchanted weapon to destroy the zombie’s heart and/or decapitate it. Of course the odds of you having such a weapon is slim to none. So, looks like you’ll be relying on item #1.
  7. Prayer. Can’t hurt. Especially if you’ve been backed into a corner without a torch or enchanted weapon.

 Should you be approached by a zombie, just turn around and run! If you are the recipient of a bite, clawing or sustain an injury please report to the nearest city managed healer’s venue. Of course this is only in the event of an extremely unlikely occurrence, since there are no zombies in Xira. Really, trust us, after all we are the government.

 **Medical Warning for Westsidah:

The Westsidah district has been quarantined for the time being due to a break out of a nasty strain of the Dragon runs. Fire in the Hole! The government and council of Xira have requested that all citizens remain out of the Westsidah district until further notice. Please note that this has nothing to do with the rumors of zombies running rampant in the district.

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From → Writing

3 Comments
  1. Oh man “pale accountant blokes” ! ..this is so damn funny
    5th one is going to get you in trouble…a big one lol
    please write more on this…

    • So far no zombies have been spotted in my neck of the woods…Or in my neck. The fun part about Tales From Xira is that I bounce between three things: straight-forward fantasy, humorous fantasy and science fiction-fantasy. I have not done too much work in that area recently as I have several other projects I am working on presently. I do have a pretty good sized catalog of short, long and novella sized backstories for TFX. I’m toying with editing together an actual ‘Tales From Xira’ collection.

      By the way, Thank you very much for all of your support, it is wonderful!

  2. I for one will be looking forward to read the ‘Tales From Xira” collection….
    see the thing about humour is very few people understand humour, most are too loud about it.
    You are a very good writer no doubt and I have read almost all your posts but your humour fantasy is just too good.
    wish you all the very best for the collection, am sure it will be huge.

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